Church

I have decided that I am going back to church. Lately I've been in this really wierd mood and I think this will help. And I've really been wanting to go. So I am. Thought I'd share.

I AM...

I AM beautiful, intelligent, strong, sexy, fun, friendly, funny, loving, a good listener, powerful, efficient, smart, tall, independent, spiritual, radiant, single, a good friend, a hard worker, motivated, confident, self-sufficient, a listener, a talker, a counselor, long, daring, spontaneous, my own person, not influenced by others, an experimenter, loved by many, a mentor, an example, popular, a singer, a dancer, organized, a leader, a General, happy, brilliant, a learner, thin, healthy, a spender, stylish, bold, able to speak my mind, outgoing, a do-it-yourself girl, sporty, adaptable, open-minded, a traveler, a swimmer, fabulous, edgy, fun-loving, filled with self-worth, willing, honest, faithful, truthful, not a slut, free, an American, a Democrat, natural, drama-free, down to earth, quirky, different, meanwhile, worth waiting for, talented, blessed, gifted, lucky, determined, pretty, cultured, frank, bubbly, responsible, caring, clean, careful, super woman, proud, a woman, wonderful, crazy, slim, luscious, accepting, laid-back, ambitious, saucy, skillful, sociable, creative, chic, classy, adventurous, warm-hearted, steadfast, me.

It is so interesting how adults are becoming more and more childish each day. It seems like everyone is always vying for attention, whether they are 9 or 90. Children used to be the only ones that would get what they want by throwing a temper tantrum. And even then they would only get what they wanted if their parents spoiled them. No grown men and women are spoiling themselves to a point where they expect everyone to do the same. And if they don't get the attention they want the world better watch out because they will throw a tantrum. Worse then any tantrum I've seen from a 2 year old. For example, look at baseball. The sport has already been tainted by the steroid scandal. Now there are coaches that will throw a fit if they don't like a call that is made. Lou Pinella and Phillip Wellmen are the two most recent that come to mind. To watch these adults yell and scream and throw bases around the baseball field is just ridiculous. Yet they are never punished. Sure they get a $1000 fine here and there or a slap on the wrist. They might even be ejected from the rest of the game if they make a big enough scene. But what difference does that make to them? At the end of the day they drive their Porches and Mercedes to their million dollar homes and drink their expensive liquor. What's a $1000 bucks or one game? These guys should be fired. Behavior in adults is becoming more and more extreme. Look at Lindsey Lohan or Paris Hilton. They are in jail and rehab by the time they are 20 because they have no one to tell them no. Lindsey's mom goes out and parties with her for pete's sake. And why isn't anyone getting punished for providing Lindsey and other underage celebrities with alcohol anyways. If you aren't a celebrity and you drink you get fines and jail time. If you are a celebrity and underage people will give you alcohol anyways. Um hello when did the law stop applying to celebrities. So because no one is abiding by any law we end up with 20 year old girls in rehab. Their rehab isn't like anyone else's however. They come and go as they please. Rehab is more like a vacation. A time to relax and unwind away from the world, leaving rehab of course for the occasional party or cocktail if they so choose.
Then you look at the moral decline of the nation. These girls are out flashing their vagina to everyone when they step out of a car. Boobs popping out in public no longer creates the outcry it did back at the Janet Jackson SuperBowl incident. Children are watching TV shows that promote sexuality in 5 year olds. Look at the Bratz dolls. Those are the most disgusting things I've ever seen in my life. Parents who buy those for their children should be in jail right next to Paris. People wonder why America has lower morals and values, why porn and nudity is becoming more accepted, why teen sex, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse are on the rise. HELLO people! Look at the "toys" you are buying your children. There was one online toy store that marketed a stripper pole to children as a TOY! How in the world have our toys turned from Lego's and Cabbage Patch dolls to dolls that aren't even sold with clothes anymore.
People wonder why teenage girls are suffering higher rates of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It is because the world promotes women as sex toys. They are here for the male adult to play with and then throw away and move on when he sees fit. Like a broken Furby or Tonka truck. And the world is accepting it. Girls are getting younger and younger when they start to have sex. Small children even recognize that you can't get to far in the world if you are ugly. Parents promote this behavior by putting their children on diets, buying them provocative clothing, and teaching them how to behave because they want their children to be as cute as the other kids. Parents recognize that if you are beautiful you have all the opportunities in the world that you want. And in America beauty only comes in one form, thin and tall with silicone and plastic coating every part of your body. CNN recently had an article that talkes about how women try to gain power over men (http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/06/04/theporn.effect.ap/index.html). It is always with sex. Women feel more powerful if they have the ability to turn a man on and have him be physically attracted to her. It doesn't matter if that attraction only lasts one day or as soon as he's through having sex with her, it's power nonetheless. Yet there is still a double standard when it comes to men's sexuality. If a man sleeps around and has many sexual partners at one time he's considered a player. However if it is a woman who is sporting this behavior she is a slut. Unfortunetly this standard will probably always exist. It doesn't matter how hard women try, men will always be more powerful. No matter how many times you have sex.

Well the whole Tanner thing is over. I was so excited at first but I got bored really fast. I just wasn't all that attracted to him, although I should have been because he is beautiful. He doesn't have a personality that really gels with mine so I lost interest really fast. So back to the drawing board.
-I just moved about a month ago and already hate my roommates and am looking for a place to move to. Haha I don't like living with girls I've discovered. Especially girls that like to make chore lists and boss other girls around. Lol
-Work is going great! I really love my job and they've given me one raise already. I know another one is on the way soon. I'm really happy I finally have a job I like that keeps me busy.
-School is going pretty well. Finishing up some finals and getting ready to register for the summer. Nothing super exciting is going on with all that. I really need to get focused on school though.
-Just opened a show at the Hale in West Valley. It was quite the experience and a pain in the butt! However I got paid really REALLY like extremely well for it. So that made it worth it in the end. I'll be running a couple more shows over there on occasion. Speaking of shows I'm getting ready to do another dance show at the Shell for Rick. I can't wait! I miss doing his shows so much when I'm not. I always have fun with those dancers!
-My bday is coming up so I'm planning my party and getting ready for that weekend. It should be a lot of fun. I'm excited. I'll be a whole 20 years old. Yipee. No longer a teenager!!

So that is pretty much it. I'm headed to Vegas this weekend and am hoping to see Susannah while I'm there. I'm looking forward to lounging by the pool and tanning!! I need some time to relax! Miss you all!

FINALLY!

So I had a date tonight. It was SUCH an amazing date!!! And really we were just hanging out so I guess it wouldn't even qualify as a real date but I had such a good night!! So let me back track it a little.
For awhile my roommate Shawn has been wanting to hook me up with this kid Tanner who hangs out with a gay couple we are friends with. Tanner works out with all of them at the gym and apparently he was gorgeous. I kind of blew it off and was like whatever. And I never met the kid. Well on Saturday night me and Cole went to a St Patrick's Day Party/Birthday party for a boy we know and Tanner and his gay group of friends happened to show up. He is incredibly beautiful and has an amazing body. He is tall and just so cute!! He is really a nice, sweet guy. Kinda shy but in a good way. He is unbelievable smart and is going to med school to be a cardiologist. That has been his dream his whole life. He is very focused and is definitely going to get there. Better yet he is gay friendly and knows most of my friends :) So HAH having gay friends has paid off!! Lol and FYI apparently there were a couple straight boys at the party interested in me. yay for me. Lol
So anyways, Tanner works out at the same gym as me and of course I "accidentally" ran into them today before I went to my yoga class. So we sat and talked for a bit and then once I got home I was eating some dinner and talking to my roommates and who should call but Tanner (I hadn't even given him my number, he made the effort to hunt it down from his friend, bonus points for sure). He invited me out to grab some coffee with him. So I worked my way down to the Coffee Garden and there he was doing homework. So we sat and talked forever. He suggested that we go for a walk so we walked around the block and talked for awhile. Then he walked me to my car and gave me a goodnight kiss and that was that. He is so sweet!! I'm really excited.
However, now I'm getting confused because there is this other boy that I hung out with awhile ago who stopped talking to me out of the blue... I forgot about it but now he is texting me... AGH!!!! He was a really cute nice guy too. What are you supposed to do about that?! How come once you get one then you get flooded. What the crap?
Anyways I'm just really excited and wanted to share that with everyone who still reads this! I haven't met a guy this nice or good looking for a long time... well actually ever. Lol

Update!

Well I figured I should update my blog since the one I left off with is extremely depressing. Lol So pretty much everything is going really well. I work at a construction company now doing accounting and random secretarial work. I really love my job a lot. They treat me extremely well and I have fun with the people in the office. They are both kinda drama queens and sort of plastic but it is a nice change from the typical dominating men I used to work with who think they are all that but can't run their own business.
I am moving AGAIN in a couple weeks. I'm hoping this move is my last for awhile. This is like the third time I've moved in a little over a year. I'm excited because I'm going to be living with girls. It will be nice to have that change but I'm a little nervous too. I'm going to miss all my boys!! :)
That really is all that is going on... actually there is a lot more but I can't post it online where people can see ;) I am going camping in a couple weeks as well and I'm pretty excited for that!! I haven't been for awhile. Me and some friends are going down to Moab for a weekend. It will be nice to get dirty!
I'm still working on a couple shows... really only one right now actually. I'm assisting Cole with Thoroughly Modern Millie at the HCT in West Valley. It should be fun and I'm getting paid really well for it.
Oh and I think I want a tattoo... I have no idea why but I've kinda been itching for one. So I'm going to wait until I'm 21 and if I still want it then I'm going to get it. If anyone has any ideas on that let me know.
Hope everyone who still reads this is doing well :)

NyQuill Is the most disgusting tasting thing EVER!

So this post is kinda going to be a sounding board and probably will make no sense but I'm kinda sick so I have an excuse :)

I was thinking today about how much certain things affect the outcomes of our lives. Granted we do have choices about if we let these things affect us but most of the time they do. For example, being a middle child affects my life. I never really noticed it until just recently when I actually sat down and thought about it. Of course not everything I do is because I'm a middle child and I would probably still be this way even if I was the oldest or the youngest. Anyways, I really crave attention. When I was younger I was always the steller child, and it got me a lot of attention in a very good way. I was always wel behaved and did the right thing like I was supposed to. I always got good grades and did what my parents asked of me. But as I got older that wasn't working anymore. It became something that was just expected. It was old. I no longer recieved attention for it because odds are there were a million other kids doing the same thing. Getting good grades isn't enought anymore. I think that is the point where you start to rely on your friends and people of the opposite sex more for attention. So that is what I ended up doing. I relyed on my friends for the attention and feedback I wanted so badly. And then when that didn't work it was the opposite sex. Always trying to lure people to me whether I was attracted/interested in them or not. That is when the flirting starts. But soon that isn't enough and I kept getting pushed to the next level. Ryan was a perfect example of that. But then you realize that you are not getting the attention because of your personality or really even because of you. You are getting it because of what you are willing to give up in order to keep this person around you. And then you recognize that attitude will never get you the attention you really want. It is a temporary thing.

Then you have stupid little things that happen to you while you are growing up that you would never think would affect you in such a large way. Like a constant rejection by people you want to be around. You could call it the "cool" crowd I guess. I've noticed growing up that a lot of my friends have replaced me for people they think are "cooler". So now I have a constant fear of being rejected or replaced by my friends. I'm always worried that what I don't do is good enough. So I go out of my way to make people like me or to do nice things for people. Which can be a good thing but other the other hand it can lead to people taking advantage of you. And it always hits a ridiculous point. It kinda goes along with the attention thing. Always being afraid of people you love and respect because you think they are going to get sick of you. SO you stop worrying about yourself and you are always worried about what this person thinks about you and if they approve of what you say and do. Or of what you are wearing, who you are hanging out with, what your job is. And it really is a stupid thing to focus on and is something I could change if I tried hard enough I guess. Odds are you will always be replaced by someone. A closer friend, a BF/GF, a child, a relative. There is always someone out there who could replace you. It is just inevitable I guess but it certainly doesn't make things easier. You could have someone you spend everyday of your life with that you really love and one day that can all be taken away by someone else no matter what you do. No matter how much money you spend, how many dinners you make, how many times you clean, how many favors you do. none of that really makes a difference in the end.

So this is kinda depressing but I just had to get this all off my mind and I really don't have anyone to talk about it with. I suppose I'm having my George Bailey moment (It's A Wonderful Life). When he says that he wishes he had never been born and then he sees the effect that his life has had on so many people. I sit and think about that sometimes and I wonder, who's life have I really affected? If I had never been born what would change in people's lives. I really don't think I've done anything that would make a difference to people if it had never happened in the first place. There would have been other friends to go see a movie with, other people to help with homework, other people to answer the phone. Nothing I've done is very special in anyones life. And if there has been I never hear it.

Thats another thing. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from people. I want to hear from people that I am appreciated and loved and they enjoy having me in their life. Is that all that unresonable? I really don't think so because I try to tell people around me how much a appreciate them. I don't know.