NyQuill Is the most disgusting tasting thing EVER!

So this post is kinda going to be a sounding board and probably will make no sense but I'm kinda sick so I have an excuse :)

I was thinking today about how much certain things affect the outcomes of our lives. Granted we do have choices about if we let these things affect us but most of the time they do. For example, being a middle child affects my life. I never really noticed it until just recently when I actually sat down and thought about it. Of course not everything I do is because I'm a middle child and I would probably still be this way even if I was the oldest or the youngest. Anyways, I really crave attention. When I was younger I was always the steller child, and it got me a lot of attention in a very good way. I was always wel behaved and did the right thing like I was supposed to. I always got good grades and did what my parents asked of me. But as I got older that wasn't working anymore. It became something that was just expected. It was old. I no longer recieved attention for it because odds are there were a million other kids doing the same thing. Getting good grades isn't enought anymore. I think that is the point where you start to rely on your friends and people of the opposite sex more for attention. So that is what I ended up doing. I relyed on my friends for the attention and feedback I wanted so badly. And then when that didn't work it was the opposite sex. Always trying to lure people to me whether I was attracted/interested in them or not. That is when the flirting starts. But soon that isn't enough and I kept getting pushed to the next level. Ryan was a perfect example of that. But then you realize that you are not getting the attention because of your personality or really even because of you. You are getting it because of what you are willing to give up in order to keep this person around you. And then you recognize that attitude will never get you the attention you really want. It is a temporary thing.

Then you have stupid little things that happen to you while you are growing up that you would never think would affect you in such a large way. Like a constant rejection by people you want to be around. You could call it the "cool" crowd I guess. I've noticed growing up that a lot of my friends have replaced me for people they think are "cooler". So now I have a constant fear of being rejected or replaced by my friends. I'm always worried that what I don't do is good enough. So I go out of my way to make people like me or to do nice things for people. Which can be a good thing but other the other hand it can lead to people taking advantage of you. And it always hits a ridiculous point. It kinda goes along with the attention thing. Always being afraid of people you love and respect because you think they are going to get sick of you. SO you stop worrying about yourself and you are always worried about what this person thinks about you and if they approve of what you say and do. Or of what you are wearing, who you are hanging out with, what your job is. And it really is a stupid thing to focus on and is something I could change if I tried hard enough I guess. Odds are you will always be replaced by someone. A closer friend, a BF/GF, a child, a relative. There is always someone out there who could replace you. It is just inevitable I guess but it certainly doesn't make things easier. You could have someone you spend everyday of your life with that you really love and one day that can all be taken away by someone else no matter what you do. No matter how much money you spend, how many dinners you make, how many times you clean, how many favors you do. none of that really makes a difference in the end.

So this is kinda depressing but I just had to get this all off my mind and I really don't have anyone to talk about it with. I suppose I'm having my George Bailey moment (It's A Wonderful Life). When he says that he wishes he had never been born and then he sees the effect that his life has had on so many people. I sit and think about that sometimes and I wonder, who's life have I really affected? If I had never been born what would change in people's lives. I really don't think I've done anything that would make a difference to people if it had never happened in the first place. There would have been other friends to go see a movie with, other people to help with homework, other people to answer the phone. Nothing I've done is very special in anyones life. And if there has been I never hear it.

Thats another thing. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from people. I want to hear from people that I am appreciated and loved and they enjoy having me in their life. Is that all that unresonable? I really don't think so because I try to tell people around me how much a appreciate them. I don't know.